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shitty image qualities per usual
i lack severe skills with the picture takings and computer happenings.

bellies. from the college years.

 drunk disney princess night

this week. drawing on wood. "infection"

this week, drawing on wood, "congestion"

woooo wee

been a while.
i gave up for a bit.
had a major case of creative constipation.
i decided that  the point i hate my work is when i add color. soooo...think i may just stick with good ol drawing. its what makes me happy, its what i like. some say color gives life. i disagree, i think it takes away the character, like makeup, covering up what is really under there, taking away its natural beauty. its flaws, the line work that makes it...you cover it up and it hides...at least for me anyways. dont get me wrong, there are fabulous painters out there, and i love to admire their work, this is written for me, about me.

they brainwash you in school..saying that a drawing isnt a finished piece of art. that for some reason adding paint and color makes it a worthwhile art. i was always a stickler for rules in class...reaching for that 4.0 gpa was always on my brain. needed good grades, needed to keep the scholarships. needed to not get yelled at. so i pushed myself...but for the grade. which is where alot of my anger probably came from in the college years, 

i made a note to myself on a recent drunkie pants night, i was going on and on spewing my artistic words and beliefs. and for some reason i really felt like i came to an epiphany when i wrote "i'm an in color person, in black and white"
 i have big ideas, grand plans, but when i envision something, its in black and white. im leaning to start photography...i realized (also drunkiepants) that whenever i would thing of some setting for a paitning...it needed to be a photo, i wanted to capture that moment in time...not dwell on it for endless hours getting so fed up that that moment i wanted to capture i now hate. i never taken a photo class, somehow i made it all the way with my MFA without....i think i may go back for one class...just good ol black and white photography. nothing fancy...no crazy digital, thats not me, i would end up fucking around on photshoppe forever trying to get it perfect, when perfection was the very second i caught the image in the first place.

i like the tediousness of drawing, from the idea, to the sketch to laying it down, how it changes and how i see the image coming to life, how it almost forms itself. i can spend hours on a drawing, but when it comes to laying down that paint, i dred it. its almost a panick, of knowing im about to fuck up. each layer i put down, i see myself getting covered up, until i no longer can see what was important.

i know painting. i know its fundamentals and theories. i can teach classes on how to paint. like i said, i needed that 4.0 gpa. i damn well paid attention to my instructors. i know what im talking about.
but when i paint, its almost like  a chore, i get bored and fusterated. in college i painted thick and opaque. then i started painting thinner...drawing more with the paint instead of slapping it on, thought that it would be a good substitute. its not working for me. i still find myself fighting that urge to lay it on thick, some may say..oh well thats the kind of painter you are then, no. its not. cause im not happy with the end result. my underdrawings were always the best part, then i fuck it up. so i try thinner paints, layering trying to draw,,still not happy. so i just draw, and draw, and adding no paint. and im happy.

there may be time for color. or not. i may add a little paint here or there, or not. i may read this blog again and completely contradict myself.or not. the point is. art should make you happy. even when you are saying the worst, feeling the worst, being hateful, disgusting or ashamed. the act of making art should bring you fulfillment or some sort of release or accomplishment,no, its not always going to be unicorns and fucking rainbows,but if it gets something off my chest or out my brain, good or bad, it'll relieve some of that tension that builds up, and little by little, happiness can have room to grow.

Lifeupdate. Lame post. No art. Look away.

My brother finally got back into the country. A couple hours after my grandpa died.

A good friend moved across country.


My brother came for a surprise visit. Me = super happy

Mother left the country today
Brother leaves tomorrow

Parents moving out of country this winter

Haven't seen other friend in maybe 2 months? Seeing her tomorrow finally.

Um.... Anything else???
Car got stupid hail damage
House got hail damage
Cleaned out the basement woo!!!!

Bought another knife after being harassed in a parking lot in the daylight.

Trying to catch up on doll orders!
Haven't produced any art lately
Been pretty happy with some of my doll progress, can't go too fast or they don't turn out so well

Ate something I was allergic to yesterday, and again today. Both time completely opposite foods

Strawberry vodka + cranberry juice is waaaay yummier than I expected
As is
Vanil vodka + fitzs root beer
Even if one is allergic to cinnamon you HAVE to try a rumchada. Just down that bitch and when your throat is closing and feeling like mini knives stabbing... Wash it down with cold cold vodka.
So take back the 2 days of allergic foods... Make it 3...

Kickboxing kicked my ass the other day... Lifted 150 with my wee legs.

I went to a shooting range in the middle of nowhere

Got sick in a public bathroom.But NOT from drinking.


I think that completes this post. As I want to finally lay down in my nice bed after sweating my ass off in 100+ temp today... This little Russian is not built for these absurd temperatures...

Maybe I should shower first... That way I can wake up, go straight to the post and then to Sariahs.

Yea...

Sad

Well..
That's that...



...
Never have hopes,dreams, goals or aspirations kiddies...
The only thing at the end is a pile of shit, and the sooner you realize that pile of shit is you, the better off you are.

Sheepish

New drawing!

New drawing on wood... To be painted soon!!! Er...hopefully....still got a hefty stack of drawings waiting for colorations...

This is how I feel

This is how I feel right now. Yea yea I know it's not Monday. But I'm rather poopy.
1. I have no confidence
2. I lost even more confidence Recently
3. I'm really far too competitive

These things don't mix well. I can admit that other people are talented and such...I look at it and almost get pissed... Like I know how to do that, I try really hard, why does my stuff not look as awesome as theirs... Then I go through a bout of feeling embarrassed and ashamed that my stuff looks so shitty, then to make matters worse I look back at earlier works and think... Omg someone bought that from me and I feel so bad for them...there are really talented people out there and sometimes you gotta wonder... Just because I love doing this, SHOULD I be doing this? Then I get all hyped and motivated and am all I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW.. I HAVE TO BECOME BETTER AT THIS NOW. It's really competitive being in my brain.

Maybe I need to calm down, and get some new supplies and not over rush myself... I dunno... There's always far too much to do. I'm always on full speed. Just so many things that need to get done and complete and people to make happy and of course going to the gym cause that is one of my only reliefs right now.
Cause sometimes things are poopy, then you find out your friend of 10+ years is moving far far away and there's only a month left. And thats just shitty. Then you realize you haven't seen your brother in about 3 years, and you don't know where he is or if he's ok. And you can't sleep. But you can't get anything done. If I try to wake up early I'm just going to fail. Failure, my old friend. High five on the low side.

I kinda hate everything right now. And it's all because I'm not the best at what I want to be. I'm so riled up about this I can't sleep. My fucking brain is really running on hyper drive. Can't/fucking/stand/it

Roller girl

I was just doodleing cute stuff last night... Ended up with a lot of cute ponies and this roller girl. Doesn't fit in with my other stuff, but hey, cute has its place too

poopy

sometimes things are just poopy

computer arts

so...
im usually not too big on creating art on the computer. there are lots of people that love it and that are great at it and all. but i feel that its just not for me. that and my brain has a fucking berlin wall up when i try to even tinker with photoshop/illustrator...seriously...only i dont think that wall is ever going to fall.its like little cracks that MAYBE maybe you can see through...

anywho....fine arts is where my heart is..however i did piddle around on it this past weekend to create some new plush designs and stationary items for my etsy shoppe.made a banner and logo for one of my friends etsys.. just simple cute stuff...cause yea...that hurt my brain enough...

fidel!!! (my puppy!!)

In progress drawing

20x20
Still in progress finally got the time to draw it on the wood today, had a mess of sketches all month waiting. Still has some more detail to put in. I'm excited to get it all drawn out... But always scared to start painting ...