1. I have no confidence
2. I lost even more confidence Recently
3. I'm really far too competitive
These things don't mix well. I can admit that other people are talented and such...I look at it and almost get pissed... Like I know how to do that, I try really hard, why does my stuff not look as awesome as theirs... Then I go through a bout of feeling embarrassed and ashamed that my stuff looks so shitty, then to make matters worse I look back at earlier works and think... Omg someone bought that from me and I feel so bad for them...there are really talented people out there and sometimes you gotta wonder... Just because I love doing this, SHOULD I be doing this? Then I get all hyped and motivated and am all I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW.. I HAVE TO BECOME BETTER AT THIS NOW. It's really competitive being in my brain.
Maybe I need to calm down, and get some new supplies and not over rush myself... I dunno... There's always far too much to do. I'm always on full speed. Just so many things that need to get done and complete and people to make happy and of course going to the gym cause that is one of my only reliefs right now.
Cause sometimes things are poopy, then you find out your friend of 10+ years is moving far far away and there's only a month left. And thats just shitty. Then you realize you haven't seen your brother in about 3 years, and you don't know where he is or if he's ok. And you can't sleep. But you can't get anything done. If I try to wake up early I'm just going to fail. Failure, my old friend. High five on the low side.
I kinda hate everything right now. And it's all because I'm not the best at what I want to be. I'm so riled up about this I can't sleep. My fucking brain is really running on hyper drive. Can't/fucking/stand/it
